Only $19.99!!! How to Stop a Mini Panic Attack in 3 Easy Steps

 I just banged out a quickie. 

That’s what I call a small panic attack. Basically, something happens which sets my brain and body on fire. My thoughts bang around at a mile a minute, and without me really noticing, my heart starts beating way too fast. It feels like I’m running a race.


I have a lot of quickies. If unchecked, they can turn into full blown panic attacks but generally they just ruin my day, maybe make me cry. Sometimes a quickie turns into a mood which is when I’m really stressed for a really long time.


Over the summer, I was going through some stuff which doesn’t matter anymore, and my friends had a fire. I showed up in a MOOD like you would not believe. It is impossible to be a bigger asshole than I was that day. Or weirder. I consumed the equivalent of a small lake in water bottles and peed over 7 times in a 3 hour period. Let me repeat that, I drank almost 12 full water bottles one by one in a single evening. I did not speak much, but when I did it was strictly to say cruel things. Also, I lost a game of basketball and threw a total temper tantrum. 


The point. I need to find the point of this. So, I just got out of a mini panic attack. How did I do that? First step was to stop staring at the thing that was setting me off. In this case, something on the internet. So, I shut off my phone. 


Next step was to do what I call “wrestling my brain.” This is when my thoughts are spiraling even though I’m not looking or experiencing anything stressful. In this case, I was thinking a lot about how no one will ever love me and I’ll die alone. Now, step 2 is often difficult because it requires a forceful, concentrated effort to “wrestle” this thought away. The nature of mental disorder is such that there’s a satisfaction in thinking long and hard about why no one will ever love you. It’s like drinking to quench a thirst: easy. But, this is illness, so step 2 is to drag your thoughts to something else no matter what. My emergency move is to sneak attack my brain by just yelling, “BATMAN” out loud to see if I start thinking about the next Batman movie. It works, if only to interrupt the flow of depression. And I love Batman. Other times, I call a friend or family member. Or, I just walk into a room full of them and distract myself with conversation. Often, I turn to a joke, and I try to make myself laugh.


On this occasion, I went with the joke option.


Step 3 is the reflection step. When you have distance from the situation, you try and figure out how to improve. In my case, I would point out that of course someone will probably love me eventually due to my athletic build and my body’s excess reserves of keratin. Who wouldn’t want me? 


So why do I feel other than that way sometimes? Well, I know why but I’ll save the secrets to successful relationships are for another time. Probably never. I’m an adult now; I don’t care about my love life unless it’s to score political points against Republicans. Anyhow, logic is besides the points when it comes to anxiety.


Step 3 is delicate. Used to be, I blamed myself for everything. Have a panic attack at a party? You’re a weird shy loser trying to go to a party you deserved panic. Have a panic attack at work? Well, you suck at your job so makes sense why you’d get nervous. Over the course of 2020, I taught myself different answers. 


Panic attacks are standard for someone pushing himself outside of his comfort zone so dramatically. One failure at work does not make you a bad person, and it does not end the world. You forgive yourself and you move on. No matter what.


In the case of my friends, I don’t need to apologize for lashing out. They forgive me. That’s kind of why I have them in my life. What I have with my friends is genuine love which is a gift I cannot even begin to find a way to appreciate. But my best friend is an idiot, to be clear.


None of this is easy. This stuff doesn’t just affect your mind, it causes stress in your stomach, disturbs breathing, and sets the heart flying. Like I said, it’s like racing. I really, really wish I could stop feeling this way so often. It gets to you. But, we run on. 


There’s also no secret to it. You find a way to live with it all. You will. I will. I forget that sometimes.


So, I’m going to keep banging out quickies.

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