Irony!

My last post was a thoroughly researched investigation into an American epidemic. I focus-grouped that shit. This one will not be that. I’m going to play this one loose. I don’t totally know what it will be about as of yet, but I am sure to figure it out as I go along. Also, I’ve been off my pills for half a week. It’s very ironic that I’m too stressed to call all the people I need to call to get my anti-stress pills. And irony is just what I want to talk about! I’m going to break this entry down into parts.

IRONY, THE 1ST

I finished school not too long ago with a classic unholy sprint to the finish line. I went on a 72 hour grind with nearly zero sleep, and my accomplishments in that span genuinely terrify me. I’m not going to bullshit anyone anymore. I am a genius. I’ve had the reputation for a long time, and I like it about as much as I hate it. In fifth grade, people were remarking about how smart I was to my face. My parents thought I was spectacular because I was reading books at three years old. My memory is almost totally impeccable when it comes to stuff I read off a page.

Do I genuinely think I’m a genius? No, I do not. But, my grades this semester were near total perfection. My professors consistently praise me. And yet, I have never felt less focused on my academics. I hate finance, as I often say, but I float through the classes like it’s nothing. That’s ironic. 

It would appear that me wanting to kill myself had a lot to do with my grades slipping! Apparently walking around thinking about slitting your own throat is a real motivation killer. Now that I am, dare I say, happy…my brain is firing on all cylinders yet again. So, it’s good to be back.

IRONY, THE 2ND

I’m going to keep bragging if I may. Yes, this blog is fucking good. I am genuinely, truly good at this, and it is a breeze and a half. Now, I have some trepidation about what a random stranger would think. Does my words hit them the way it hits people who put a face to the words? I don’t know the answer to that, yet. But, I’ve known I’m funny since the first time I made my Dad laugh. That was the best feeling and ever since then I’ve gone for it again and again. 

In fact, laughter is and will be my defining footprint on this Earth. I have often said to people, “Even when I wanted to kill myself, I was still funny.” And in a lot of ways, that’s the scariest part. I tricked my loved ones into thinking I was alright by cracking jokes. I told one of my friends that I was going to kill myself in a live performance at the theater which I wanted him to host. I proposed a series of roasts and skits culminating in my live suicide in front of an audience of everyone I’ve ever loved. He and I laughed a lot at the concept of me getting on a stage and saying my final goodbyes and “fuck yous” via some sort of SNL type extravaganza. That concept is also really fucking dark. I don’t want to do that ever again for obvious reasons. 

How does someone who wants to die, end up being the life of the party? I still don’t totally know, but it’s scary. Check in on people always and forever. You got to because you just never know whether the funniest guy in the room is closest to the edge. That guy might not be so sure how close he is to the edge either. Just check in on your friends and anyone else, trust me. 

And you could like save someone’s life. That’s what I’m in it for. Imagine the ego boost if I could add “saved a life” to my list of accomplishments! I check up on people purely for selfish gain and bragging rights. 

IRONY, THE 3RD

My Tinder bio currently reads, “Tryna find some nice ass.” I think I might change that to, “Looking for someone to make laugh and to laugh with.” because in my quest for a relationship, laughter is all I think I need to find in someone special.

No, my Tinder bio does not actually say the ass thing, but that would be unbelievable. Honestly, it doesn’t say the laughter thing either because I just thought of that. But check back in tomorrow because I’m changing that shit. 

Since I knew I wanted to find a relationship, I’ve been supremely confident that the only requirement I could possibly need is laughter. Find a girl who laughs, who makes me laugh and you’re home free. To be clear, my longest relationship is still hovering at around 3 days, but I definitely think I’m right! One day, I will come back with a beautiful woman who laughs, and we will be gloriously in love, and then you motherfucking dirtbags will see I was right!

Look at me go. I’m a doe-eyed romantic. I’ve never actually gotten the chance to have a relationship where I value someone and want to do anything to make them happy and be really really romantic and silly. I got something better than that dumbass bullshit: Irony! The only guy looking for something serious who can’t find anything more than casual. Hello, Irony.

INTERMISSION

Three counts of irony so far. We got the genius who has never cared about being a genius less. We got the suicidal maniac who makes everyone around him die laughing. We got the boy who just wants to be in love who can’t find a relationship in 21 years.

Anyhow, what else is new with me? 

IRONY, THE 4TH

I love Norton forever, but I hate being here. Norton is my hometown where I grew up, and that shit messed me up. Of course, everything good and everything bad happens to you in the same place: where you grow up. It’s just ironic (winky face) that the place I love most is the place where I feel everything mental health related come back to bite me.

You see, Norton is where OCD happened. Norton is where I got too nervous before soccer games and track meets. It’s where I left parties crying because I couldn’t figure out how to talk to anyone. It’s where I crashed my car into a curb because I was an adult who decided to play make-believe that he was a race car driver. It’s where a billion other things happened.

But Norton is also where a billion great things happened.  I made so many joyous memories playing sports. It’s where I learned how to break out of my shell. It’s where my Dad taught me how to replace the tire of the one I popped and also reminded me that adults should not be operating vehicles while pretending to be in movies. Come on, Aidan. Are you 5?

How does that impact the here and now? The other stuff. Not the car thing.

Well, you go to college and you change fundamentally. Who I am today is not who I was when I left Norton a year ago. For one, I’m mentally heathy now. I’m happy now. From top to bottom, I am different in every way you can imagine. 

But you go home and you see people who still remember you for who you were, who expect you to be what they remember. Even if what they remember is shit. You see places that you’ve never been since you changed. You see scars, and those scars signal to you that nothing has changed. I became happy alongside a bunch of people my oldest friends have never even met. How do you hold on to that and not fall into the same old habits? How do you be the version of yourself that you worked hard to be when everyone else just sees what you used to be?

It’s times like this that I’m glad my friends don’t know how to read because what I’m going to say has been something that has hurt me deeply and might hurt them. Last Summer, I was not in a good spot. Not one bit. I was not myself at all. I was angry, paranoid, manic, and most of all, depressed. I’ve covered all of that here before. This summer, I was very excited for things to be different. Because I’m not that way anymore! But, it hasn’t been that simple, and I don’t know that it’s going to be.

All the shit that happened to me in Norton is no one’s fault. Not even mine! But, I can’t forget it. And, the worst part is, I can’t forgive it. At least not in the near future. I love my friends totally, but I just can’t forgive them. When I know how, I will. 

I love Norton, but I can’t forgive it. When I know how, I will.

So, the last few days have reminded me that I’ll be gone soon. I’m mostly in Norton for this summer, but my heart won’t be, and after college… I’ll be somewhere else I think. When I’m gone, I’m gone, baby doll. The baby doll line is from a movie, but the point stands; I’m dipping soon.

EPILOGUE

So, what’s next for me? What do I do now? I’m a genius. I have a fire blog. My Tinder seems like it’s about to pop off. Most of all, I’ve declared myself mentally healthy! That’s new! I have been thinking about a very ironic line from hit television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “You have an inferiority complex about your superiority complex.”

That’s funny stuff. It’s true. The more my ego grows, the shittier I normally feel. That’s why I am making an edit to the above list. I’m not a genius who is mentally healthy. I am a mental health genius. Because the smartest thing I’ve ever done is in seeking help, in talking to people, in being open about my struggles. That’s what I’m going to do.

Allow me to summarize. I’m a mental health genius with a fire blog. I kind of hate Tinder, so just find me a fucking chick who is into laughing a lot and likes handsome guys who talk about their mental health and is into irony. I promise I won’t call her a “fucking chick.” Also, I hate my favorite place on earth. 

All in all, I like these new qualities of mine. I’m kidding about Tinder, kind of. I’ll meet her when I meet her. The rest, however, is pretty damn cool. I accept Norton for what it is, and the pain just means I had a lot to love. And Mental Health Genius sounds like my superhero name!

What do we learn from irony? Absolutely nothing, of course. It’s impossible to understand. It just is. At the end of the day, irony is just plain funny. And I love to laugh.

Effective immediately, this blog is going super public. I’m ready to unveil this madness to the world. This seems like a good first post to share; all I did was shit on my entire upbringing and everyone who was a part of it! Goodness gracious, snakes alive. The journey continues! What a fun life I have :)

Have a nice, ironic day everyone!